Benjamin Franklin didn't get the whole truth when he wrote "But in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes". He forgot the third certainty: that you will always have to wait in line at the post office. And the person in front of you will certainly be sending 18 packages to fun loving, diverse countries such as North Korea, Iran and Cuba. And he'll spend about 20 minutes looking up addresses and filling out customs forms and putting the items in their mailer envelopes. Because none of that could have been done before he got to the counter. And all you need to do is buy a book of stamps. Its a good thing you went to the backwater post office that no one knows about so that you wouldn't have to wait in line.

It seems I'm a rarity because I neither loved nor hated Napoleon Dynamite.

What is the point of uncomfortable furniture? It seems like a waste of money and space to me. I can see a need for furniture that is not extremely comfortable, like waiting rooms, but when I come across furniture that is so uncomfortable it actually hurts to sit in it for too long, I want to kill. When an object meant to be used, such as furniture, has aesthetics but no utility, this is a crime against nature. Having utility but not aesthetics is fine, and having utility and aesthetics is better. But aesthetics for aesthetics sake, such as in a modern office building, makes everyone unhappy. Architects and furniture designers need to go back to design school, where you learn how to design for comfort not art. Even I know this, and I have a science degree.

Wicker furniture is the scourge of humanity. Someone told me wicker adds texture to your rooms, which is a design element, but to me, texture just means more surface area where dust can collect. Wicker is also usually uncomfortable. Pier 1 Imports will meet my wrath someday for unleashing this scourge.

Note to self: A surefire way to make yourself throw up is to eat Honey Nut Cheerios, skim milk, a very ripe banana and a glass of orange juice for breakfast, and then go on a 6 mile bike ride in the rain wearing tight Under Armor. For a splash of irony (no pun intended) make sure the toilet has just been cleaned that morning.

Underwear built in to shorts or a bathing suit is probably the worst invention ever. Who do these clothing manufacturers think they are to decide how high or low my crotch goes in relation to my waist? Because they are always wrong.