Beer should come from bottles or kegs only. Cans are gross.

I'm sending this manifesto to the New York Times.

I've noticed that the Little League World Series gets more coverage than any minor league baseball game.

I hate mayonnaise so much that I can barely look at it.

Tom and Jerry is a great cartoon, and one of my all time favorites. The reason is, there are no voices (except for an occasional "Thomas!"), each cartoon has a full orchestra, and the sound and music are the only things controlling your emotions while watching. Great craftwork.

I accidentally discovered that sniffing Purell (62% ethyl alcohol) gets you high as a kite for a brief second. Whoops.

I find the Great Outdoor Games to be more interesting than the X-Games

Grease is the word.

Hooters girls have a tendency to smell like vinegar. Yuck.

Don't ever eat a whole one pound bag of raw baby carrots in one day.

I can't stand when someone refers to the scoring in baseball games as points. You are really showing your ignorance.

I'm pretty sure the Flinstones and the Rubbles were swingers.

I yearn to have my own theme music.

If there is a movie with an upbeat montage scene, the scene has to be tracked with the song Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves. There is no alternative; this is a universal truth.

There's no such thing as red NyQuil. There's only one type of NyQuil, and that is the green death variety.

I used to feel being honorable was the greatest ambition a person could strive for. I now feel making other people laugh is the greatest ambition.

Calvin and Hobbes is the best comic strip of all time.

Stuart Scott on ESPN has become a huge parody of himself. Boooyah.

Cursive writing blows. Cursive has been my nemesis since the second grade when I learned it. I got straight up Ds in penmanship. I still can't write x or z cursively.