Jonathan Sheldon: Manifesto

Jonathan Sheldon: Manifesto The wit and wizdumb of Jonathan Sheldon. <br />Alternatively: An attempt at being succinct but profound. tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649 2006-06-27T03:45:27Z Blogger

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true Jonathan 2006-06-26T15:59:00-04:00 2006-06-26T20:01:24Z 2006-06-26T20:00:27Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-115135202781785931

Today I saw Van Halen's video Jump for the first time. (Yes, I know it is more than 20 years old). Seeing David Lee Roth at his most androgynous, and having recently watched Silence of the Lambs for maybe the 12th time, I realized that in Buffalo Bill's "tuck" scene, when he is wearing the meat wig, a cape made of women, and some really awful lipstick, that he is trying to look just like David Lee

false Jonathan 2006-06-04T02:23:00-04:00 2006-06-04T06:43:49Z 2006-06-04T06:23:51Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-114940223184526190

Things I am addicted to: the Sopranos gambling reading Craigslist personals That is all.

false Jonathan 2006-04-02T21:53:56-04:00 2006-04-03T01:53:56Z 2006-04-03T01:53:56Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-114402923620985093

For the first time in 10 months, I have to get up and go to work tomorrow.

false Jonathan 2006-04-02T21:53:29-04:00 2006-04-03T01:53:29Z 2006-04-03T01:53:29Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-114402920932643981

Two of my favorite days of the year both happen to fall today, the start of the baseball season and the beginning of Daylight Saving Time.

false Jonathan 2006-03-22T22:22:00-05:00 2006-03-23T03:34:25Z 2006-03-23T03:32:38Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-114308475872496758

Me (10:05:12 PM): Mustache March? Why wasn't I informed? Twig (10:07:49 PM): it was a bet between the band members of headstart. i actually only had one for a day shaved off two plus weeks of growth. Twig (10:08:20 PM): check out warmfront's top 8 Me (10:09:05 PM): myspace = slow Twig(10:09:18 PM): yeah. i have the problem too. Me (10:09:41 PM): dude, I am totally in warmfront's top 8 Twig

false Jonathan 2006-03-06T22:28:44-05:00 2006-03-07T03:28:44Z 2006-03-07T03:28:44Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-114170212448738886

Cough syrup has got to be the most vile liquid known to man.

false Jonathan 2006-02-17T22:45:00-05:00 2006-02-18T03:51:39Z 2006-02-18T03:45:20Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-114023432048491465

Have you ever been to Bobby Valentine's restaurant in Stamford? The food is rather subpar, but the drinks are decently priced for CT. For my 24th birthday in Feb. 2003, about 20 friends brought me there for dinner and drinks. Bobby was between jobs at the time, so he happened to be at the restaurant and came out of the kitchen and bought the whole party shots. Pretty cool. Anyway, I'm actually

false Jonathan 2006-01-27T00:29:34-05:00 2006-01-27T05:29:34Z 2006-01-27T05:29:34Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-113833977474129798

My home town sucks: http://money.cnn.com/magazines/business2/101dumbest/dumbest_category_realestate/index.htmWay to go Danvers, I redub you Stamford North.

false Jonathan 2005-12-15T10:37:04-05:00 2005-12-15T15:37:04Z 2005-12-15T15:37:04Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-113466102482611898

If I hear the song Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer just one more time, I'm going to go on a kill crazy rampage.

false Jonathan 2005-12-12T15:22:25-05:00 2005-12-12T20:22:29Z 2005-12-12T20:22:25Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-113441894589994880

I just discovered my cell phone has taken 27 photos of my right front pocket in the last 7 months, before finally filling to capacity some time this week.

false Jonathan 2005-12-06T13:20:03-05:00 2005-12-06T18:20:03Z 2005-12-06T18:20:03Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-113389320316490434

Both A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Dot and The LineHall of Fame along with Tom and Jerry.

false Jonathan 2005-11-16T19:56:26-05:00 2005-11-17T00:56:26Z 2005-11-17T00:56:26Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-113218898682689721

Orange Citrus flavored Listerine is actually Orange Death in convenient bottle form.

false Jonathan 2005-11-10T23:58:00-05:00 2005-11-11T04:59:59Z 2005-11-11T04:59:59Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-113168519923973906

In school I learned to never start a sentence with the word "and". And frankly, I don't feel that rule is appropriate 100% of the time. Though that one was a little gratuitous.

false Jonathan 2005-11-10T23:46:00-05:00 2005-11-11T04:56:48Z 2005-11-11T04:46:36Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-113168439672482530

"Are these Nazis Walter?" "No Donny, these men are nihilists, there's nothing to be afraid of." -The Big Lebowski I have this pet peeve with atheists. A lot of atheists want you to know just how hip and cool and enlightened they are by always mentioning the fact that they are atheists. That they haven't believed in god since fifth grade or whatever. They feel that what they believe is fact.

false Jonathan 2005-10-20T22:21:47-04:00 2005-10-21T02:21:48Z 2005-10-21T02:21:47Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112986130799594870

Benjamin Franklin didn't get the whole truth when he. He forgot the third certainty: that you will always have to wait in line at the post office. And the person in front of you will certainly be sending 18 packages to fun loving, diverse countries such as North Korea, Iran and Cuba. And he'll spend about 20 minutes looking up addresses and filling out customs forms and putting the items in their

false Jonathan 2005-10-20T22:14:59-04:00 2005-10-21T02:14:59Z 2005-10-21T02:14:59Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112986089903814226

It seems I'm a rarity because I neither loved nor hated Napoleon Dynamite.

false Jonathan 2005-10-11T10:55:00-04:00 2005-10-11T15:02:26Z 2005-10-11T15:02:26Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112904294641564073

What is the point of uncomfortable furniture? It seems like a waste of money and space to me. I can see a need for furniture that is not extremely comfortable, like waiting rooms, but when I come across furniture that is so uncomfortable it actually hurts to sit in it for too long, I want to kill. When an object meant to be used, such as furniture, has aesthetics but no utility, this is a crime

false Jonathan 2005-10-11T10:49:00-04:00 2005-10-11T14:55:24Z 2005-10-11T14:55:24Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112904252461447422

Wicker furniture is the scourge of humanity. Someone told me wicker adds texture to your rooms, which is a design element, but to me, texture just means more surface area where dust can collect. Wicker is also usually uncomfortable. Pier 1 Imports will meet my wrath someday for unleashing this scourge.

false Jonathan 2005-10-11T10:46:00-04:00 2005-10-11T14:48:24Z 2005-10-11T14:46:40Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112904200070562106

Note to self: A surefire way to make yourself throw up is to eat Honey Nut Cheerios, skim milk, a very ripe banana and a glass of orange juice for breakfast, and then go on a 6 mile bike ride in the rain wearing tight Under Armor. For a splash of irony (no pun intended) make sure the toilet has just been cleaned that morning.

false Jonathan 2005-10-08T19:46:08-04:00 2005-10-08T23:46:08Z 2005-10-08T23:46:08Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112881516840540294

Underwear built in to shorts or a bathing suit is probably the worst invention ever. Who do these clothing manufacturers think they are to decide how high or low my crotch goes in relation to my waist? Because they are always wrong.

false Jonathan 2005-09-09T22:07:12-04:00 2005-09-10T02:07:12Z 2005-09-10T02:07:12Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112631803226878743

From Taco Bell's department of redundancy department: Grilled Carne Asada Steak

false Jonathan 2005-09-01T01:58:14-04:00 2005-09-01T05:58:14Z 2005-09-01T05:58:14Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112555429456668320

The house centipede is probably the ickiest bug I have come across in my life. It is bugs commonly found in homes.

false Jonathan 2005-08-30T01:38:15-04:00 2005-08-30T05:38:15Z 2005-08-30T05:38:15Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112538029537407366

Beer should come from bottles or kegs only. Cans are gross.

false Jonathan 2005-08-29T04:25:31-04:00 2005-08-29T08:25:31Z 2005-08-29T08:25:31Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112530393143913642

I'm sending this manifesto to the New York Times.

false Jonathan 2005-08-28T15:32:43-04:00 2005-08-28T19:32:43Z 2005-08-28T19:32:43Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112525756306017105

I've noticed that the Little League World Series gets more coverage than any minor league baseball game.

false Jonathan 2005-08-28T15:32:07-04:00 2005-08-28T19:32:07Z 2005-08-28T19:32:07Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112525752720685777

I hate mayonnaise so much that I can barely look at it.

false Jonathan 2005-08-28T15:31:32-04:00 2005-08-28T19:31:32Z 2005-08-28T19:31:32Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112525749233109043

Tom and Jerry is a great cartoon, and one of my all time favorites. The reason is, there are no voices (except for an occasional ), each cartoon has a full orchestra, and the sound and music are the only things controlling your emotions while watching. Great craftwork.

false Jonathan 2005-08-28T15:28:15-04:00 2005-08-28T19:28:15Z 2005-08-28T19:28:15Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112525729533650064

I accidentally discovered that sniffing Purell (62% ethyl alcohol) gets you high as a kite for a brief second. Whoops.

false Jonathan 2005-08-28T15:23:00-04:00 2005-08-28T19:23:00Z 2005-08-28T19:23:00Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112525698069132970

I find the Great Outdoor Games to be more interesting than the X-Games

false Jonathan 2005-08-28T15:22:32-04:00 2005-08-28T19:22:32Z 2005-08-28T19:22:32Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112525695202513511

Grease is the word.

false Jonathan 2005-08-24T13:58:32-04:00 2005-08-24T17:58:32Z 2005-08-24T17:58:32Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112490631213279416

Hooters girls have a tendency to smell like vinegar. Yuck.

false Jonathan 2005-08-20T03:40:09-04:00 2005-08-20T07:40:09Z 2005-08-20T07:40:09Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112452360977640545

Don't ever eat a whole one pound bag of raw baby carrots in one day.

false Jonathan 2005-08-20T03:39:08-04:00 2005-08-20T07:39:08Z 2005-08-20T07:39:08Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112452354874921557

I can't stand when someone refers to the scoring in baseball games as points. You are really showing your ignorance.

false Jonathan 2005-08-16T02:26:46-04:00 2005-08-16T06:26:46Z 2005-08-16T06:26:46Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112417360604340585

I'm pretty sure the Flinstones and the Rubbles were swingers.

false Jonathan 2005-08-14T14:33:31-04:00 2005-08-14T18:33:31Z 2005-08-14T18:33:31Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112404441136056586

I yearn to have my own theme music.

false Jonathan 2005-08-14T14:32:44-04:00 2005-08-14T18:32:44Z 2005-08-14T18:32:44Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112404436457609243

If there is a movie with an upbeat montage scene, the scene has to be tracked with the song Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves. There is no alternative; this is a universal truth.

false Jonathan 2005-08-14T14:29:40-04:00 2005-08-14T18:29:40Z 2005-08-14T18:29:40Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112404418036881180

There's no such thing as red NyQuil. There's only one type of NyQuil, and that is the green death variety.

false Jonathan 2005-08-10T03:01:43-04:00 2005-08-10T07:01:43Z 2005-08-10T07:01:43Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112365730373238671

I used tofeel being honorable was the greatest ambition a person could strive for. I now feel making other people laugh is the greatest ambition.

false Jonathan 2005-08-10T03:00:36-04:00 2005-08-10T07:00:36Z 2005-08-10T07:00:36Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112365723675565663

Calvin and Hobbes is the best comic strip of all time.

false Jonathan 2005-08-03T07:52:01-04:00 2005-08-03T11:52:01Z 2005-08-03T11:52:01Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112306992111644715

Stuart Scott on ESPN hasbecome a huge parody of himself. Boooyah.

false Jonathan 2005-08-03T05:37:57-04:00 2005-08-03T09:37:57Z 2005-08-03T09:37:57Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112306187785338353

Cursive writing blows. Cursive has been my nemesis since the second grade when I learned it. I gotI still can't write x or z cursively.

false Jonathan 2005-07-29T06:03:21-04:00 2005-07-29T10:03:23Z 2005-07-29T10:03:21Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112263140189013494

In my experience, cops and judges are so desensitized to crimes, theydo not treat people like humans, but rather criminals, guilty until proven otherwise.

false Jonathan 2005-07-29T03:50:23-04:00 2005-07-29T07:50:23Z 2005-07-29T07:50:23Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112262342368905336

Due to Christopher Walken and Will Ferrell, I can't help but hear the excessive cowbell in Don't Fear the Reaper every time I listen to the song. For the record, my sister was a huge fan of the sketch well before I ever heard it discussed on the internet.

false Jonathan 2005-07-28T18:41:54-04:00 2005-07-28T22:41:54Z 2005-07-28T22:41:54Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112259051469585201

I believe in Rock and Roll and that music can save my mortal soul.

false Jonathan 2005-07-28T03:49:00-04:00 2005-07-28T07:50:51Z 2005-07-28T07:49:28Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112253696873525753

I hate when people spell my name: Jonathon, or shorten it to: John (instead of Jon), particularly when they're replying to an email I sent with the correct spelling in it. Get a clue.

false Jonathan 2005-07-28T03:46:11-04:00 2005-07-28T07:46:11Z 2005-07-28T07:46:11Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112253677155158386

Every Christmas I watch It's a Wonderful Life with my dad and family. And every year I cry at the end. I start blubbering like a baby right around the time when the folk of Bedford Falls start piling the money up on the Bailey's table. Atta boy Clarence!

false Jonathan 2005-07-28T03:41:57-04:00 2005-07-28T07:41:57Z 2005-07-28T07:41:57Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112253651792675472

I'm not a fan of clothes. I prefer less clothes to more clothes. I sleep naked.

false Jonathan 2005-07-17T02:53:17-04:00 2005-07-17T06:53:17Z 2005-07-17T06:53:17Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112158319794004529

Though his website is trash, Jerome Grondin holds the distinction of being the funniestperson I know.

false Jonathan 2005-07-17T02:48:00-04:00 2005-07-17T06:48:00Z 2005-07-17T06:48:00Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112158288025969443

I love to be submerged. I loveto be surrounded by water. I take long showers. I take frequent showers, particularly in the summer. I love to swim. I love to take baths. I'm a water guy.

false Jonathan 2005-07-17T02:42:02-04:00 2005-07-17T06:42:02Z 2005-07-17T06:42:02Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112158252263069718

Authority Song by John Mellencamp is the perfect rock androll song. I'm not saying it's the best rock and roll song, I'm not saying it is my favorite, I'm just saying it is the perfect rock and roll song. It's catchy, it has a great beat you can dance to, a great drum solo, and has a little rebellion thrown in.

false Jonathan 2005-07-14T14:23:20-04:00 2005-07-14T18:23:20Z 2005-07-14T18:23:20Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112136540048380734

Why does evey hip-hop song have to have a guest vocalist? Can't hip-hop artists do an album all by themselves? Does this annoy anyone else besides me? It makes the songs harder to rip to MP3!

false Jonathan 2005-07-12T04:16:37-04:00 2005-07-12T08:16:37Z 2005-07-12T08:16:37Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112115619789587907

When I went from having a dishwasher to having no dishwasher, I switched to paper plates, and plastic cups and utensils. I hate washing dishes. I will go to great lengths to avoid washing dishes, and once went 4 months with some partly dirty (but rinsed)dishes piled up in the sink.

false Jonathan 2005-07-11T23:27:29-04:00 2005-07-12T03:27:29Z 2005-07-12T03:27:29Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112113884956381647

ESPN has some of the best commercials.

false Jonathan 2005-07-11T23:26:22-04:00 2005-07-12T03:26:23Z 2005-07-12T03:26:22Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112113878299324606

I get all my best thinking done in the bathroom. On thetoilet and in the shower.

false Jonathan 2005-07-11T03:09:00-04:00 2005-07-12T08:04:54Z 2005-07-11T07:09:00Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112106574024470284

I must admit, I occasionally enjoy the music of Alanis Morissette. So?

false Jonathan 2005-07-11T02:47:00-04:00 2005-07-11T07:04:13Z 2005-07-11T06:50:50Z tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14380649.post-112106465038250137

Despite what I was taught in school, I don't feel days of the week should be capitalized. Monday monday. Days of the week are not important enough to necesitate capitalization, and to me, they don't even look good capitalized. In fact, their capitalization can throw me off in the middle of a sentence. So you will rarely see me do it.

false